Dancing With Defensiveness
🌿 TL;DR:
Defensiveness often blocks meaningful connection, especially in conflict. These five tools can help shift you into a more open and compassionate state.
Do you ever feel defensive in conversation with loved ones or coworkers? For me, when I reflect back on a conversation and recognize a defensive reaction arose, it's usually paired with regret about the friction it caused.
Notice how defensive energy always carries a "certainty" around our perspective. A friend recently said,
“If I catch myself feeling certain about anything in an argument, it is a great cue that I am having a defensive reaction.”
If we find ourselves in conflict and feeling certain, the following tools can help shift us out of the unproductive insecurity of defensiveness.
Ideally, when we connect—even within conflict—we are truly listening to each other. As the poet Mark Nepo so beautifully put:
“To listen is to lean in softly with a willingness to be changed by what we hear.”
Certainty leaves no room to be changed.
🛠️ Tools for When You Feel Defensive
(Ordered by complexity)
1. [Simplest Tool]
“When you realize you’re irritated, half-smile at once. Inhale and exhale quietly, maintaining the half smile for three breaths.”
– Thich Nhat Hanh
2.
Reconnect with your innate compassion by taking a deep breath and asking:
“What is love asking of me right now?”
I doubt it would ask you to stay stuck in limited beliefs.
3.
Consider defensiveness as a “part” of your consciousness, not the whole.
Internally connect with that “defensive part” like you would a scared animal. Tell it you’d like to connect authentically with the other person, and gently ask it to step aside.
Our “defensive-part” can become a super power if we shift it out of unconscious reactivity into a conscious source of strength around moral ambitions.
4.
If anger or another intense emotion is present in your body, take a moment and use your breath to coax your nervous system into a more regulated state.
Thich Nhat Hanh reminds us:
“Your anger is like potatoes, it needs more time cooking before it’ll soften.”
One efficient breath is the equalizer breath, which consists of (all through the nose if accessible):
A deep four-second inhale
Seven seconds holding on full
A slow, gentle eight-second exhale
Repeat three times and you’ll enter a more compassionate state of consciousness.
5.
If you feel stuck in the defensive reaction, it may be wisest to continue the conversation later once you’ve returned to a receptive state.
(e.g. “I want to listen to you while I’m at my best. Would it be alright if we continue tomorrow?”)
📚 Related Book Recommendation: The Art of Communicating by Thich Nhat Hanh
With Love,
Dalton Follows
p.s. Practicing these techniques regularly—like in our weekly meditation group—can make all the difference.
