Embodying the Stable Masculine
tl;dr: In a world where unstable or toxic masculine energy is all too common, this week’s reflection explores one facet of a different way of being: the Stable Masculine—a grounded, supportive presence that serves rather than fixes. I offer five tools to activate this energy in your life, today. These are for anyone, regardless of gender, who wants to show up in deeper service to others.
🧘♂️ If you want to practice this in real time, join my free Midweek Meditation group every Wednesday at 12pm CST.
Embodying the Stable Masculine
(5 Min Read)
In the modern world we inhabit, there seem to be more examples every day of unstable and, at times, toxic masculine energy. However, within both men and women, there is a profound opportunity to model something different—to be a living example of healthy masculine energy. In this week’s reflection, I am going to explore just one (of many) facets of that: the Stable Masculine.
The Stable Masculine is the capacity to be in service to the intense emotional experience of another without reacting to them (trying to fix them, taking something personally, getting impatient, etc.) or detaching from them (the inability to stay present to the intensity of their experience).
To capture the power of the Stable Masculine—and to offer ways to activate this energy in your life as soon as today—I’m going to share five different tools to use while supporting another through a challenging emotional experience. (Could be your partner, a friend, a coworker, or even a stranger.) Experiment with each to discover which resonates most with you.
As an important note, these tools are only to be used to be “in service” to another. As Rachel Remen put it:
“When you help, you see life as weak; when you fix, you see life as broken; and when you serve, you see life as whole.”
Stable Masculinity Toolkit
1. W.A.I.T. – “Why Am I Talking?”
When someone is opening up to you, it is important to activate discernment before interrupting or interjecting for any reason. Before you speak, WAIT a moment and ask yourself, “Why am I talking?” Often the urge to speak is ego-related (the desire to say something clever, to “solve” their problem, or to defend oneself). Thich Nhat Hanh teaches that often it is best to let them keep talking, as they may be working toward a very vulnerable share that won’t happen if you cut them off.
If you still feel like you should say something, the next internal question to ask is: “Am I giving attention, or am I needing it?” If there’s any suspicion of needing attention, the Stable Masculine asks us to put our needs aside and allow ourselves to be fully in service of the other. Recognize that silence doesn’t need to be filled. Perhaps sitting in stable silence is exactly the rest they need.
2. When someone tells you how they feel, believe them.
The great emotional scientist Brené Brown teaches two simple yet challenging steps when holding space for another:
When they tell you how they feel, truly listen to every single word with your full presence.
Fully believe them.
Often (especially with our loved ones), we believe we “know better” when they share how they feel. We assume they are not accurately interpreting their experience. The Stable Masculine calls us to fully empathize with the truth of the direct perception of their experience. It is impossible—even for empaths—to fully understand what someone’s internal experience is.
To be clear: believing them is not the same as enabling the belief. It’s about giving them the gift of being truly heard and seen.
“Only when compassion is present, will people allow themselves to see the truth.”
3. Practice radically conscious feedback.
When someone opens up to you, they are in an incredibly vulnerable energetic state. Even the slightest misstep could cause their heart to suddenly close. So it is extremely important to always ask for consent before providing anything that could be advice or feedback.
Also recognize that even a simple ask can feel heavy-handed. So before giving feedback, first ask if it would be okay to offer a reflection—and then overemphasize that it is entirely welcome to say no (and that you would be delighted if they did).
This allows them to fully consent to receiving feedback, which psychologically makes it much more likely to have a lasting impact (rather than a defensive reaction).
Secondly, it is crucial that you only share from your direct and personal experience. Do not fall into advice-giving (unless they directly ask for it). Instead, speak of your lived experience and how you directly relate to their suffering. Once again: don’t try to “fix” them. Simply hold space for what they are experiencing.
4. BREATHE (Emotional Stability > Clever Advice)
Infinitely more important than any of the words you say is the state of your body as you listen. When humans connect, our nervous systems have been proven to “co-regulate.” That is, our bodies actually connect and help each other move toward homeostasis.
It can be triggering to witness someone we love suffer (or to hear stories that stir our own traumas). However, the Stable Masculine calls us to be a refuge of safety. Roshi Joan Halifax captures this state beautifully as “a strong back and a soft front.”
One powerful tool to maintain this state is called Tonglen meditation (popularized in the West by Pema Chödrön). This breath-oriented meditation can be done while listening or sitting in stable silence. It involves imagining breathing in the “negative” state being experienced by the one we’re serving (e.g. fear), and breathing out the opposite “positive” state (e.g. equanimity).
As we breathe, we aim to breathe in all of the other’s emotion (“may I breathe in all their fear”) and let it fully express in our body—then breathe out and embody the opposite state (“may I breathe out authentic equanimity”). This practice helps us stay regulated and avoid suppressing what their experience is mirroring within us.
5. Use this mantra:
Finally, as the simplest tool, use the following Mantra (or a variation in your own wording) introduced by Thich Nyat Hanh in the Art of Communicating: “I know you suffer, and that is why I am here for you.” These words act as a very powerful spell that can instantly make the other feel safe and seen.
🌿 Practice With Us
Want to explore these teachings in a supportive community? Join AWKN Midweek Meditation, every Wednesday at 12pm CST.
Each session is free, live, and a refuge for heart-centered growth.
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📓 Journal Prompt
Reflect on a time when someone shared something vulnerable with you.
Did you meet them with presence or with a desire to fix?
What would it have looked like to embody Stable Masculinity in that moment?
What do you want to practice next time?
See you next Wednesday,
